Goremet – Zombie Chef from Hell
I’m amazed. There is really a movie that does everything, absolutely everything… wrong. I can’t believe how wrong though, and have no idea where to begin this review…
First of all, it took at least 10 minutes before I got the pun in the title. But that is the only thing I can’t blame he movie for. 70 minutes playtime, and I did have to take a break at 30 mins because my stomach hurt from laughing. Don’t get me wrong, the movie is not funny. We are talking about the manic laughing of a psychopath that normal mortals will never understand; about the urge to giggle in disbelief. The “no way, they *really* did it?” kind of laughing.
Our main character Goza is played by a totally stoned former pornstar past his best years. The problem is, that is not his role. His role is a 600 years old cursed priest who is now a cannibal zombie who runs a beach BBQ restaurant and wears the same hawaii shirt all through the felt eternity of 70 minutes. Decide for yourself what’s worse.
The next problem this movie has is the music. Not the rather senseless mix of country classics, freestyle jazz and organ pipes alone. The sound mix seriously went wrong. If you set the volume so you understand what people say, the music will blow your head off. If you set it so the music does not, you don’t understand a word. Praise the remote control and good reflexes. Anyways, the general feel can easily be recreated at home: Put something like “Braindead” in the DVD player and turn the sound off. Then put the soundtrack from a very very old and very very stereotype Nosferatu rip off in the CD player and turn the volume to maximum. Voila!
Effects are also a major issue. Most low budget movies focus so much on the 2 or 3 gore scenes that they have no money left for a good camera or something essential. Not here. There are not really effects. There are a few plastic limbs with ketchup, but you never see even the attempt of a gore scene. Except for one. And that goes totally wrong, too. A guy boxes off another guy’s head with an uppercut. Or something. Its worse than Violent Shit 1. Its worse than Zombie 90. Reminder: Most effects in Violent Shit 1 were made by intentionally pixelating the scene and in Zombie 90, they had neon pink blood.
Now an attempt to tell the story. And trust me, mine is better than the director’s or the writer’s, and certainly better than any of the actors’ attempts. Goza was cursed by a brotherhood of priests in the late 1390ies for whatever (killing high priest?), and because the brotherhood had the power but not permission to kill him, they made him a zombie. (This does visually not express.) From that day on, he must eat human flesh or he gets a skin disease.
600 years later, Goza kinda likes all that and runs a BBQ restaurant with another priest (?) who is not a zombie, but drinks human blood (he’s no vampire either). A guy finds the ring of his girlfriend in a burger. Then some random people have a party and Goza poisons 4 women. It has no relevance for anything. Then a policeman who never appeared before sneaks through the restaurant and gets killed. And then, we learn that ALL priests of the brotherhood are immortal AND have superpowers. And some decided that it is time to kill Goza and lead the world into the new age. Or something.
Meanwhile Missy, a part time teacher, visited Goza’s restaurant and stole his antique book in the n00bishest way possible. No, the book was never mentioned before. From this book and a drawing in it, she (and everyone else) learns that she is the incarnation (?) of the high priestess.
Another priest goes to battle Goza; not without having an extremly badly performed conversation about saving the world with a random other priest in a park before. Goza appears to this epic battle on a bike and if you now expect the gore to come, nope, sorry. The battle between the priest and the cursed cannibal zombie does not involve any attempts to destroy the head. In fact, the entire battle consists of force chokes. Darth Vader, anyone? Goza wins. With a force choke.
Then he returns to his restaurant because he needs human flesh, but Missy awaits him and finally defeats the monster with the aid of… Oh, you wanna guess? Sure. So here’s the quiz:
The incarnation of the high priestess uses which of the following to defeat the cursed cannibal zombie:
a) axe & hammer
b) bow & arrow
c) scythe & force choke
d) superglue & undefined tool that is probably what wiki lists as “Hot melt adhesive”
YESSSS!!!! The correct answer is d) superglue and whatever tool (used on shoe, so no idea what it really is, it looks like a driller, makes no sounds, doesn’t rotate and obviously also doesn’t do anything to shoes).
The movie ends with Missy, the high priestess, running the restaurant and a scene where 2 priests drink a beer.
Famous last words: No, I didn’t make it up. Its really that bad.