The Hills Run Red
I can’t be lucky 3 days in a row.
On wednesday, I enjoyed the wonderful Land of the Dead. YAY for Tom Savini appearances! YAY for gangland stuff, heavily armed cars and half anarchistic systems! YAY for great effects, great storytelling, great makeup, great acting!
On thursday, I got the surprise of the month with Zombieland. YAY for fun splatter with smart stories, YAY for Bill Murray and YAY for zombie hunting on rollercoasters!
Today… I made the mistake to pick blindly between Basket Case and The Hills Run Red. Is it Friday 13th? Because that would explain why I ended up with the second.
But let’s start from the beginning. Does anyone care about the story? Just asking because the movie sure does not. Tyler is a super duper big horror fan and got obsessed with the research about a never released movie called “The Hills Run Red”. The director vanished 20 years ago, and the only remains of the movie are a weirdo trailer and a few stills. Its said to be the most disturbing movie ever made and all the fanfare. Tyler talks his friend Lalo and his girlfriend Girlfriend (sorry, she had no name during the entire story…) into helping him with his research. For that, he finds the only living relative of the director, his daughter – a drug addicted stripper called Alexa.
After Alexa (who never looked like the junkie she was supposed to be) experienced a 2 – 3 days wonder healing from her addiction, they start to visit the locations were the movie was made/that were seen in the trailer. During the wonder healing through Tyler, Girlfriend cheated him with Lalo, which has no further relevance for the story.
To give you a general idea of the roles:
Tyler – main character, boring early 20ies guy with obsession about horror movies. I think he’s an idiot.
Girlfriend – brunette stereotype girlfriend, annoyed by his obsession. I think she’s an idiot.
Lalo – kinda annoyed by Tyler’s obsession too, thinks horror movies are all the same and stupid. If all movies were like this one, I’d even agree with him.
Alexa – ultra hot blonde, fails to play a junkie, a scared teenager and is so-so at playing a ice cold killer. She plays all anyways.
Back to the, hehe, story. The 4 drive into the woods and do what people always do in this kind of movie. Run through the woods, make campfire, talk, get surprised by armed hillbillies, get saved by the – tataaa – real killer from the movie, then get chased by him. Yup. It gets THAT creative – the killer from the movie is a real killer. He looks like someone with little imagination tries to dress up as Leatherface for Halloween. He also acts like that. And now hold your breathe – his name is BABYFACE! And his mask isn’t made of human flesh, no. Woohoo, he actually CUT OFF HIS OWN FACE WITH SCISSORS and replaced it with… you’ll never guess it because it would never ever fit on a human skull – the face of a porcelain doll! AND SEWED IT TO HIS FLESH! That’s right, he SEWED a PORCELAIN DOLL FACE to his head. I bet coming up with such a stupid idea hurts more than sewing anything to the face.
Okay, Babyface surprises the hillbillies that surprise the camping researchers. Alexa flees into the woods. Tyler runs after her and Babyface to help her. Girlfriend tries to call the police but can’t explain them were in the woods they are. So she and Lalo run around, and tataaa – Babyface catches Lalo only a minute later. Meanwhile, Tyler reached the house of the insane movie director, broke in and tries to free Alexa. When they make it to the porch outside, they meet Girlfriend. She tries to run, but Babyface shows up again and now, sensational twist you so don’t expect (if you watched the movie with closed eyes and without sound so far) – Alexa sends Babyface after Girlfriend.
Shortly after that, it turns out that Alexa isn’t only the daughter of the director but also the incest mother of Babyface, and her father is also his father. Things that happen after this super original twist – the director ties Tyler to a wheelchair and forces him to watch scenes he already shot for his movie (snuff scenes that were used in the trailer). Babyface takes Girlfriend to a barn to rape her (doesn’t get to it because of upcoming chaos). Alexa decides to become a director like her father and starts to torture Lalo in another barn. Her father brings Tyler there, then tells Alexa she sucks as a director and calls in Babyface to show her how it’s done right. Due to that, Girlfriend escapes the other barn. The father shoots Alexa, and Babyface then kills him. Tyler manages it to get rid of his ties, and when Babyface tries to kill him, Girlfriend comes from the other barn and kills Babyface. And now, surprise surprise, Alexa (who was shot in the stomach 3 minutes ago) attacks both Girlfriend and Tyler and I have no idea what happens with Girlfriend, but Tyler gets tied to the chair again and Alexa forces him to watch snuff scenes from her movie. It ends with Tyler sitting in a cinema full of (dead) victims and laughing at the movie like a maniac.
I have no idea how they managed it to steal from so many better movies and come up with such crap in the end. We have a whole dose of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a bit Devil’s Rejects, a bit 8 mm, a bit Last House on the Left. And another dose Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Babyface not only looks like a cheap version of Leatherface, he also has a slaughterhouse barn; Alexa tries really bad to be Baby Firefly and simply isn’t, and the insane director is kinda boring and doesn’t really do a thing. The victims are cut out from Hostel auditions, and it must mean something if I say they are even more faceless and random than the Hostel victims.
I give full points for gore. This movie is bloody, damn bloody. Its explicit, it has close ups, its really really violent. But the scores for everything else are negative, and even with a full score from gore, the final result is: waste of celluloid. Even the best mutilations don’t save a bad story that is so obviously copying other movies and actors beyond good and evil.
Famous last words: Hands off the classics, n00bs!