I don’t know why I even bothered to watch the entire thing. It was probably something about missing cannibal movies and taking the next best slasher involving a jungle. Anyway, now that I managed to get through this movie, I can as well write about it.
So, it’s a “torture porn” (according to some IMDB lists) about a group of gringos going on vacation to Brazil and getting butchered. It’s also one big excuse to have the entire cast walk around in swimwear for most of the movie. Maybe they should have made a movie about, I don’t know, surfing instead, because the actual butchering and horror elements are limited to the absolute minimum.
There’s Alex, a guy who looks like I imagine Enrique Iglesias, and his sister and her best friend; two English guys/brothers of which one is called Finn and the other looks like the love child of Ashton Kutcher and Ian Somerhalder and an Australian girl who speaks Portugese. They are all on a bus through some Brazilian rain forest to a hotel, but alas, the bus has an accident and they are stranded. They then discover a beach bar and party all night, and meet a Swedish couple that is briefly introduced and killed in an unspectacular way shortly after. The gringos all wake up on the beach and realize they were mugged. There’s also a local guy, Kiko, who seems to be the one to lure the gringos to a remote house somewhere in the forest. (“Seems” because he switches sides and it’s not entirely unexpected.)
So far, so classic. It’s like any other slasher, except it’s not a forest in North America this time. Other than that, it’s every other slasher ever – a 50/50 male/female group, the local who works for the bad guys and pretends to be their friend, no cell signal, mugged and stranded in a remote place. The first problem this movie has is one it shares with a number of other slashers, too: Instead of 20 minutes with jerks, we have to spend almost an hour with this group of plain boring folks until something happens. None of them is even annoying or stereotypical. They are all really just boring. That’s somehow good, somehow bad.
After a damn hour of running through the forest and swimming in a waterfall/lake/cave, they arrive at the house in the rain forest and again, not much of note happens. Then the bad guys arrive at night. The bad guys, in this case, are a certain Zamora and his men. Zamora is not, as the name suggests, Tim Cridland and he is also by far less the Torture King than Tim Cridland. No, this Zamora is a Brazilian organ harvester who intends to steal the gringo kidneys and livers to save Brazilian lives. How patriotic of him.
This premise is also the introduction of the movie’s next problem. You see, torture porn and slashers live from graphic violence and it’s pretty hard to have that and not damage the organs. Which is why Turistas’ only gory scene is a surgery scene and it ranks very low on the “Eww” scale at that. After this scene, the gringos escape; minus “sister’s best friend”, who was the victim. From here on, the movie plays entirely in the very dark, so I’m not sure how the English guys die. But since only Kiko, Alex, Alex’ Sister and Australian Girl make it out of the house, I assume they were shot at some point by Zamora’s henchmen.
Now, things still take place in the dark, but even darker: The last 15 – 20 minutes take place in dark underwater caves. Kiko gets shot by a henchman, too. The others somehow manage to kill one attacking bad guy and talk the other one into killing Zamora and letting them go. Well, yeah, and that’s the end of it; Alex and Alex’ Sister flying home. No idea where Aussie Girl went, but she was last seen alive.
Noteworthy: The dialogue. 50 % consists of the lines “Come on then” and “Let’s go”; another 30 % are in Portugese with only two scenes subtitled. That can’t carry a story very far, to be frank. Maybe it all makes more sense if you speak Portugese, but I doubt. What a waste of time.