Who would you be if the world went to hell?

In her article over at fallingskiesblog, fellow author BethTX makes a strong point for why Ben Mason is one hell of a character. I agree about this fact; the writers and actor Connor Jessup do a damn fine job there. However, while reading the article, I found myself realizing that the reason “we viewers can identify with Ben” doesn’t apply. And that, on paper, it really should apply.

I do not wish to bore anyone with tales from my teenage years, but I need to go there for a short moment to explain. So I was a rebellious teenager who, like any other teenager, thought the world would never understand the first thing about me. Now I’m over 30 and the world is still mostly at a loss, which may lead me to think I got a point back then. Truth is, I don’t know and I also don’t care if the world gets me. However, to put things in perspective: I ran away from home at age 14, lived on sofas and in alternative communes with punks, anarchists and (red/S.H.A.R.P.) skins for years, “grew up faster than others because I had to”, am diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder and defy all odds with the triple A – being asexual, aromantic, agendered. I do get the grasp of feeling like an alien, in every nuance available. And without playing my own experiences up or other people’s teenage years down, I think my past qualifies for something else than “omg my parents are so mean, no-one understands me” teenage issues.

Ben Mason, a teenager who lost his mother in a freaking alien invasion, got captured and brainwashed by aliens and then turned out to develop scary levels of superhuman powers, should give me something to connect with. If nothing else, the feeling to be different and the attempt to fit in, the pretending and hiding of things others wouldn’t begin to understand. I have spend the better part of my youth pretending to be something I’m not. Most of all, however, I pretended to give a shit. Because, usually I don’t. Any attempt to fit in was for my convenience, not to really “fit in”. Tired of explaining that I don’t have “crushes” or any aspirations to be in a romantic relationship? Pretend I’m your average straight person, randomly pick some celebs people around me find “hot” and claim I find them “hot”, too. Tired of explaining that yes, I do appreciate this birthday gift, but my appreciation doesn’t inspire me to jump around and hug people? Fake a smile, play along, be done with it. It boils down to “being tired of explaining things you don’t get anyway” and “yeah, whatever, leave me in peace”. I never had any illusions people would sit down, hear me out and be okay with it at some point.

Ben Mason, he is truly desperate to make people understand how he feels. For acceptance, trust and community; proving his loyalty and that he only wants the best for his people. I give a shit as long as people just don’t get on my nerves and I frankly don’t bother with “what’s best for them”. “What’s best for me” is perfectly enough, and that is usually “I don’t get what the fuzz is about, so go tell your problems to someone else”. It’s not out of spite or because I’m such a cold bastard. It’s because I really, honestly don’t understand those things. Breaking up with a partner of 3 years? People will go through weird phases like trying to analyze why the relationship didn’t work out, worry that they “can never love again”, being allround sad and crushed. Me? Find new sofa to crash on, end of story. I know, I know, it sounds sad, but it isn’t – for me, it isn’t. I get it, I’m pretty different from the majority when it comes to such things. And that’s fine, I don’t expect the majority to change for me. It’s not all bad to be different anyway. One of my very best friends comes to me for relationship advice specifically because it will be rational and brutally honest. That is because I couldn’t give any other advice – I’d never say “listen to your heart” because people suspect I don’t even have one. (I do, I once saw it on an x-ray.) So in a nutshell, I cannot relate to Ben’s desire for understanding because I never had it, despite my being different.

I can also see what Ben is doing when he hides his glowy spikes or pretends he didn’t watch the time when he did 200 freaking push ups. He tries to not scare people; to fit in and be part of a group. Well, that’s the very thing that drives me nuts. My reaction to getting weird ass superpowers? Yay, now I can run off into the woods, survive on my own without depending on others to find food, weapons and shelter and other humans will run from me in fear! That’s awesome! You see, whenever I faked to be a sane, average person, I could keep it up for a while. I became quite efficient at it, down to faking to be a social butterfly who knows everyone and their mother; all while truly giving a damn. It was the neccessary thing to do to be good in my job, so I made the sacrifice the situation demanded. And then, I went into major burn out syndrome because a social butterfly is simply not who I am and playing a role almost 24/7 wears you down. Getting the magical ability to be efficient at what needs to be done – in case of an alien invasion, that would be “surviving” and “fighting for my life” – without the need to deal with people would be a freaking revelation. And what Ben did for the better part of the show was the exact opposite of what I would do.

Enter Pope – here’s the character I do relate to, along with the bits and pieces of Dai and Anthony we were shown so far. No, Pope doesn’t struggle with alien superpowers that make people fear him; he doesn’t have the entire inner conflict of being different and trying to fit in. And that’s the point: He doesn’t try. People percieve him as a jerk and he’s okay with that. That is who I am. Sure, I’m likely percieved as a jerk for different reasons – I have the psych evaluation to show for it. But I have never thought of myself as a freak, as “ill” or that “something is wrong with me”. At best, I thought something is wrong with everyone else, because hey, I’m fine with the way I am. I am, indeed, okay with being kind of a jerk. Pope is more likely to ask “what the hell is wrong with you people” than having some inner monologue about his desperation regarding people not accepting or liking him. To me, he doesn’t give off a “what an asshole” vibe. I get a “ah, finally, sanity!” vibe from him because he does pretty much what I would do. Call bull when the situation warrants it, regardless if people want to hear it. Fend for himself and himself alone. Not having true loyalties, not even his own brother. (My brother isn’t quite the jerk Billy was, but damn, he’s close.)

So, if the world went to hell, I wouldn’t be like Ben. I’d be a chain-smoking version of Pope, and I’d be making more sarcastic remarks with pop culture references. And you’d better pray I wouldn’t get superpowers like Ben, because I’d be the most unlikely person to use them for your sake. While you were out there, afraid and alone, in an alien infested city, trying to find something to eat… I’d be jumping from roof top to roof top, in a silly, over-the-top superhero costume, throwing plasma TVs from skyscrapers, for the lulz. You need this fuel to transport your merry band of survivors to a safer haven? Well, fuck you, I need the fuel to make a flaming Punisher skull on this public place because it will look awesome at night. You need this canned food to feed starving children? Well, fuck you twice, I need the cans to shoot at them because I’m the Amazing Super Redneck (until I make a new costume).

Oops. I got sidetracked by my world domination fantasies up there. In a nutshell, I’d be a total jerk in a post apocalypse scenario. I’d be worse than Pope. And he’d be the one I’d come back for to save his ass, because he’d be the one most likely to become my supervillain sidekick. I’m not a hero. (Well, not that kind of hero.) I’m not someone struggling to fit in. I’d be mayhem, as irresponsible and “bad” it would be – from your point of view, heroic survivor with nothing but the well-being of your followers in mind. And that’s why I can’t identify with Ben. He’s a hero, I’m a jerk. And that’s my saving grace: At least, I’m honest about it. You’re warned: Do not, under no circumstances, depend on me if the world goes to hell. Because I’ll go with it.

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WTFsapiolithromantic?!

I hereby wish to distance myself from asexuals on various online platforms who keep coming up with ridicolous new labels all the time.Let me explain why.

I am asexual. I am not attracted to people in a sexual way. I do not think of people as “hot”, “sexy” or “I’d hit that”. That’s easy enough to distinguish from the other sexual orientations out there. At least in my book, there are only:

• Heterosexual: Attracted to the opposite sex
• Homosexual: Attracted to the own sex
• Bisexual: Attracted to both opposite and own sex
• Pansexual: Attracted to people regardless of sex (including transsexual, intersex and other non-binary people)
• Asexual: Not attracted to anyone

Adding to the “who”-attractions, there are a couple of terms defining the “how”, such as demisexual (experiencing only secondary sexual attraction, i.e. only after having an emotional bond with someone, often friendship) and the grey area (low and/or rare sexual attraction, simplified); as well as mono- and poly- prefixes, stating if monogamy or polygamy applies. One can be heterosexual and demisexual; experiencing attraction to the opposite sex after forming emotional bonds. It’s simple enough as a system to label.

When it comes to romantic orientation, things get more difficult. Naturally, romantic attraction has the platonic counterparts to the sexual orientations and definers, which are still easy to understand. A sexual orientation states who you like to bang, a romantic orientation states who you fall in love with. The problem, however, is that for a vast majority of people, these two orientations match. Most heterosexuals are also heteroromantic, for example. Therefore, a vast majority of people is confused if the orientations do not match, i.e. an asexual person who has no desire for sex, but still wants a romantic relationship.

It is confusing enough as it is to people who are neither asexual nor aromantic. Why oh why make it even more confusing by making up new labels for every slight variation on the spectrum? Is it so hard to explain yourself in a few words that you need a label for everything? And that requires basically everyone you meet to read a dictionary – one in a constant state of change, no less – to understand what the hell you are talking about? “Sapiosexual”, for example, doesn’t mean that one is attracted to neanderthals or bipedal beings, it means “attracted to intelligence”. Seriously? I never met anyone who was turned on by stupidity. “Lithromantics” do explicitly not wish their romantic feelings to be returned, or even fear this might happen. Which doesn’t change the basic romantic attraction and is just a horribly specific way to say “doesn’t desire a romantic relationship”. And the latest trendy label is, in all seriousness, called “wtfromantic”, which no-one can explain better than “having weird crushes and being kinda aromantic”. Yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.

If I would use all labels that somehow apply to me, I would end up with a list that fills a page. And after reading it, no-one would be one bit smarter than before and I would have to explain every single, specific term to define who I am attracted to in what way, to what degree and how I would like the person to react to it. Therefore, I stick with aromantic – I don’t “fall in love” and desire no romantic relationships. Simple enough, without having to define why exactly I feel that way, how I feel about people instead and whatnot.

When was the last time you met a heterosexual Ordinary Joe who gave you a book to read when asked what his orientation is? Who ever split “hetero” in “hetero with a strong preference for blondes, but only in long distance relationships (phone communication, weekly) and average school grades of x”? Right, no-one does that because it’s unneccessarily complicated. Maybe I just don’t get it because I don’t have the classic sexual or romantic attraction, and hence see no need to specify my preferences in every detail. But I do have social preferences; things I look for in a friend or someone I look up to. Know what? Either my criteria are met or they aren’t. No labeling myself as “roflcoptersocial” will change that – social interaction doesn’t work that way. Neither does romantic or sexual orientation. It’s a gamble every single time you meet a new person if you ‘click’ with them, have similar preferences for the possible relationship or not. Life isn’t a dating site where you meet everyone based on a checklist and a “looking for” essay.

Coming up with complicated and highly specific labels does nothing to help you. It’s not helping to be taken serious either. Identifying as lmaosexual demi-hollaifyouhearmeromantic just makes you look like a highschool hipster who desperately tries to be “mysterious, exotic and interesting”. And the only thing that label tells me is: I want nothing to do with you.

So there. I am an aromantic asexual. The strongest affectionate emotions I develop for people are friendship and admiration. That’s all I have to say, label-wise, and I really really don’t care what you new hip bumper sticker is supposed to tell me about your social interactions. It doesn’t.

 

(in a totally non-sexual way, of course)

If you happen to find yourself in a forum that discusses mainly the subjects of “watching porn”, “masturbation”, “kinks and fetishes”, “yaoi fanfiction”, “body fluids” and “jokes about sex”, what would you assume the forum’s topic was? Probably not that it is the “official” asexuality forum, right? Neither would I. But a majority of the self-proclaimed “asexuals” on AVEN seems to see it differently and happily posts away. Now, there are so many problems with that – and other things – on AVEN that I have a hard time to know where to begin. Mind you, saying any of these things on AVEN self will only result in warnings and bans, so it’s probably a pointless rant anyway.

Thing is, AVEN is supposed to be the first address for information about asexuality. It’s the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network, after all. Unlike other minorities – gay or transsexual people, for example – asexuals have to deal with far less open discrimination. The biggest issue is not being taken serious. If you tell people you’re not attracted to anyone, most will tell you that it’s “just a phase”, you haven’t met “the right person” yet and similar things. People simply don’t believe it’s really a thing. And I can see how it is confusing to them, if a majority of the world’s population has a need for sexual intimacy. It’s easier to relate to a homosexual person, who has other preferences than the hetero-majority, but still desires the same basic thing. Asexuals don’t and they are rare – estimations speak of 1 % of the world’s population – and therefore aren’t really “visible”. The worst kind of visibility is the kind that reinforces the “it’s just a phase”, “you haven’t met the right person” and “you’re just frigid/ill/depressed” thoughts. And that is exactly what the AVEN forum does.

I am asexual. And not even I can take it serious what’s going on there. I shake my head at nearly every posting made there. I should feel welcome, understood and among likeminded people there, but I don’t.

One reason may be that I’m not a teenage girl. Or a teenage boy, at least. Excuse my bluntness, but at age 15, you are not “totally certain” about anything. Not about who you are, what you want or what your sexual orientation is. At that age, you just hit puberty. Of course you are confused about many things, and of course a lot things are new and have to be figured out over time. Yet teenagers are by far the most outspoken and “visible” asexuals. With the ridicolous AVEN policy “use any label you see fit; sexuality is fluid, if it doesn’t feel right anymore in a few years, just take a different label”, that is the perfect breeding ground for “it’s just a phase”. How can people take asexuality serious as an orientation if the asexuals they see or know just drop the label at age 17 after “meeting the right person”? That confirms that it was “just a phase”. Are we such a minority that we have to hand out our label to everyone, if it applies or not, just to get “members” for our exclusive club? That seems to be the AVEN policy. I don’t see what would be wrong about telling people “yes, you are indeed too young to know; wait a few years until you figure things out”. I don’t see why people would need a label – any label – so bad.

This problem is closely related to “OMAI I’m so Aspie!” Every third AVEN poster claims to have Asperger’s Syndrome, a rare personality disorder (bipolar is quite popular this year) or both. Confused, moody teenagers running around and claiming various medical conditions for themselves; like trophies to brag with, results in people not taking the conditions serious anymore. And people who actually have them will be seen as “just another poser who wants attention” – instead of getting the help they need.

But dare to say that on AVEN. There’s a ultra super duper political correctness policy, too. You have to be tolerant about everything. I often wonder if these people are really that far gone and actually really tolerate these things, or if they just nod and think “what a freak” to themselves. Let me give you an example. This documentary deals with very, very confused people who believe that they have telepathic powers that enable them to communicate with dead objects, mostly buildings of various types. They have romantic and sexual relationships with these objects. (In their heads, anyway.) It includes people actually being married to the Eiffel Tower, the Berlin Wall and a rollercoaster. The average person, no matter if hetero-, homo- or bisexual will likely react with “what the fuck?” or “these poor, sick people”. Not AVEN. The AVEN reaction is “oh, interesting, I wonder if they could be considered asexual too, since they aren’t attracted to people”. Yup, let’s go ahead and hold our umbrella over every weirdo’s head, simply overlook that they have a shitload of mental issues and embrace them into our family. Seriously?

And it’s not limited to people who are sexually attracted to freaking buildings. According to AVEN, it is totally possible – hell, even fairly common – for asexuals to have kinks and fetishes. All while not feeling sexual attraction. That’s an oxymoron to me – if you’re not attracted to anything or anyone, how would you have a fetish? A fetish is something certain people require to achieve sexual satisfaction. They are attracted to whatever their fetish is. You can hardly have a foot fetish and not feel sexual attraction at the same time. Except on AVEN, where the senseless is the norm.

AVEN users can do a damn lot things that you would consider connected to sexual attraction “in a non-sexual way”. For example, discuss totally non-sexual BDSM fantasies about popular actors and fictional characters, who you are attracted to “in a non-sexual way”. Or read and write yaoi smut fanfiction about them “in a non-sexual way”. Talk about your compulsive, non-sexual masturbation habits. Brag with how you are, out of all your friends, the most perverted one – in a non-sexual way, of course. Find likeminded, non-sexual people who share your non-sexual furry guro fetish. Or share the non-sexual joy and reasons to watch non-sexual hardcore porn.

Doesn’t make sense to you? Same here. Whenever I visit AVEN, as an asexual person, I feel like I’m entering the seventh circle of kink hell; the part of purgatory where the most obsessively horny perverts are thrown. Reading all that, I can totally see how asexuality isn’t taken serious and looks like it’s a new trendy term invented by teenage girls that are horribly, horribly curious about sex, but not quite ready to explore it in person: “just a phase”.

It is also curious how all the “non-sexual” obsessions seem to evolve around the same actors and characters every other fangirl is obsessed with. Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but there is no difference between the fan art section of DeviantArt (aka Fangirl Hell), Fanfiction.net (aka 9th Circle of Hell) and AVEN – it’s full of teenagers lusting over the same people. Sherlock Holmes, Dr. House, Loki, “Sheldon from Big Bang Theory”, Dr. Who… just the AVEN population drools “in a non-sexual way”. Yes, they really add that a LOT.

And last but not least, there is the issue of the ever-returning “Am I asexual because x?” topics, that are heavily discussed whenever they pop up. “Am I asexual because I was abused as a child?” “Am I asexual because I have a hormone imbalance?” “Am I asexual because (whatever)?” What message does that send? That not even asexuals believe their orientation is a real orientation. That it is something “bad” or “wrong” that needs to be “fixed”. (Many of these topics come in the disguise of “How can I be fixed?”) People usually don’t question things that they are aware of, yet don’t see as “bad”. Who really spends time to ponder “Why am I red haired?” or “Why do I have blue eyes?” People acknowledge they are, but they aren’t trying to “fix” it, except maybe dyeing their hair or wear contacts, if they would rather be different. No-one loses sleep over the question “Why do I NOT have cancer?” or “Why did my house NOT burn down?” Permanently pondering what the hell is “wrong” and how it can be “fixed” just says that people do NOT think of their orientation as legitimate and really just that – an orientation like any other. To me, it’s just the way it is. I couldn’t change it if I tried or wanted anyway, just like I can’t magically make myself another ethnicity. And it’s a waste of time to try. I rather spend my time to think about things that are possible. And in the end, my sexual orientation – or lack of one, if you will – is a pretty small part of who I am. I see no need to poke around in this tiny fraction every waking moment, because there are simply things that are by far more important to me.

The interesting part is: I’m not alone with these views. I know other asexuals – romantics, aromantics, demi/gray spectrum, male, female, genderless – who are not on AVEN. They all have one thing in common with me: They feel like aliens on AVEN; puzzled why a forum for and about asexuals is full of sexual topics and horny teenagers. Maybe that is because we are no teenagers, yes. But I tend to think it’s more because we are asexual, and a vast majority of the AVEN users are confused kids that assume exotic labels to feel more special.