Basement Jack (2009)
I made it through the first 15 minutes, then I threw it in a dark corner and it shall never be seen again. I can’t really tell you what the movie IS about, I can only tell you it is SUPPOSED to be the story of a freak who lives in the basement and terrorizes a girl. First, there’s a couple in a car in a rainy night deciding to walk home for whatever reason. At home, the entire family is dead on the dining table, the guy gets killed by a freak. The girl – smart horrormovie victim – hides in the basement. For unknown reasons, the police shows up, and when the girl and freak come out of the front door for whatever reason, the cop shots. Sometimes there are senseless flashbacks to a mother who forces her son to lick on a battery. Then there’s a female hitchhiker who stops a car with a dead driver (don’t ask how that works) on a country road in the desert, drops the dead guy and steals the car. Then she flirts with a random cop and I turned it off. It made no sense at any point, nor did it give hints there’ll ever be a sense.
Hell House – Book of Samuel (2009)
Made 20 – 30 minutes. Two teenage couples are somewhere and tell each other the scary story about the father who killed his daughter and her lover 10 years ago. Somewhere else, a TV reporter team and their camera man report about the same story, then go to a hotel and the reporters make out. The camera man turns into a mutant monster and secretly films them, then kills them. Meanwhile one of the teenagers tried to drive away from the others, but the car drove him to the house of the killer father. The other teenager follows him by foot, the conversation goes like “Hey yo, dude, that horror story is true!” – “Yeah man, but we can’t tell our girlfriends, they’ll be scared!” – “You’re right. Let’s just go home.” Well, that they do, the one guy tells his father he drinks too much and then goes to a library. And I turned it off.
Desperate for something to watch, I tried the third 2009 movie on my desk and promised myself to watch it complete. Bad mistake. Its probably the most senseless and stupid movie ever made. There’s that guy Hagen, a necrophile loser. Then we have Travis, an occult rocker who works as… I have no idea, he tortures women in a s/m studio and they pay him with drugs. Travis has a mute insane younger brother in a wheelchair who sees a fat man with a pig mask and barbed wire dancing in a broken TV. Elizabeth plays no real role, because she’s dead; Hagen’s dead wife and object of his necrophile desire and belief she will come back from the dead. And Morbus, a formerly mute bartender, who is now a grey painted demon and the ex-boyfriend of Elizabeth, who cheated and killed him with Hagen. And now Morbus wants revenge. When the dancing barbed wire pig mask guy talks Thomas, Travis’ brother, into suicide or kills him (I have no idea what it was), Morbus drags Travis to hell and teaches him necromancy. He’s a quick learner, and as soon as he wakes up in his place, he revives the babysitter rocker that was killed by Thomas and the dancing pig earlier. Then Morbus possesses the babysitter and together, they go to find Hagen. With the promise they can bring Elizabeth back, Travis cuts him a pentagram in the back and sends him to hell. Hell is a long corridor with some pipes, by the way. Then, some random demon with a gas mask tells Morbus something… and Morbus or some other demon kills Travis… Er, I really have no idea. The movie has no chronology or anything, and the most important thing they forgot when the production began was a script. Serious bullshit.